*Trigger warning this article has sexual content.
On New Year’s Day a friend of mine asked for advice about vibrators because in 2019 she wanted ALL the orgasms. I asked her what kind of orgasms were her favorite and she responded with only having experienced a clitoral orgasm. I did some research and realized that only a small percent of the population experiences inter vaginal, g-spot, anal or cervical orgasm.
The cervical orgasm is a bit harder to achieve, but is equated with having a religious experience.
I can personally attest to that.
There are many anecdotal answers as to why women don’t achieve all the orgasms possible. The one conclusion I can summate is that it’s emotionally rooted. Body image and consciousness is a huge issue in our culture. Unfortunately, because of antiquated puritanical societal structure we have been left with unsatisfactory climax. This emotional constipation disrupts the body curiosity we are biologically designed to have. If we feel guilt or shame around touching ourselves, we will never know how to create or receive pleasure.
Some other contributing factors to remember when considering our sexual health are:
Hormone Imbalance- Estrogen Dominance, Decreased Testosterone, Low Progesterone
Self or Partner detachment
Fear of humiliation or embarrassment
General lack of touching one’s self
For me the itch to orgasm started very young. I was a curious child and started masturbating when I was 8 or 9. But because I was raised catholic, I had to reprogram my brain to unlearn the guilt. Every time I would cum I felt dirty, like what I had done was shameful. It takes time to heal the feeling of shame with climax- it led to me not caring about climaxing with partners and stepped into partners never feeling the need to pleasure me.
Once I surpassed the religious construct of a misogynistic agenda, renounced my faith, (which is not necessary for all people , just my path to healing), I was able to ask for what I wanted- and not what I thought was expected of me to want.
Eventually I was able to climax at least 5 times in one setting while masturbating.
To climax during intercourse also took time and several partners to find my groove. Instead of being the goddess I am and getting the worship I deserved, I was always inside my head second guessing everything I was doing. You see, we don’t need a partner to cum. They are the lucky ones to be able to have us naked with them giving them pleasure, not the other way around. I know this now.
Side note- If you have a partner that prioritizes their orgasm over yours or refuses to go down on you- that is a whole host of other issues we can resolve in another post. But if that’s the case for you, it might be time to address that. Is your partner/s giving you the pleasure you deserve?
There are also people in your environment either direct or indirect that will project their sexual repression or insecurity onto you to further enforce the societal programming and their personal pain that they refuse to deal with. Don’t listen to them, they don’t own your pleasure or vagina, no one does but you.
As for why orgasms are so hard when we masturbate or have intercourse, for me It was all emotional, how inside my head I was or if I could relax or if I felt attractive or respected. After doing some research I found it was the same for others. Even women who say they are very open and free sexually but don’t climax still have underlying emotional issues all varying in origin. Some women don’t feel safe with their partner, some don’t respect their partner, some have so much sexual, life or parental trauma that it will take a well-balanced partnership or body acceptance journey to unlock all the orgasms.
It’s almost always Psychological for women. Even if the studies prove that it’s a physical issue there are too many erogenous zones on the body and points of orgasm to say that a woman is incapable of orgasm. We literally evolved with the capacity for personal pleasure, we don’t need orgasms to procreate- so being pleasured is our biological gift.
We hold so much power and magic inside of us that I and many other women have adopted the spiritual practice of self-care and creativity being linked to masturbation and orgasm.
I did a Vulva Magic workshop last fall where we discussed the connection we have with our vulvas and everything it encompasses. Interestingly enough the flora inside the vagina, cervix and womb are just as important as our gut. There is such thing as leaky vagina, you can read more about it here:
Understanding our parts and our emotional connection to them is equally important as well
That being said, if our physiology and psychology can be deeply rooted within our wombs, why not our actual experiential mind and everything that comes with it?
As an activity I had every woman draw their vulva, during this exercise women didn’t realize that much like the Rorschach test these pictures were about to tell them how they saw their sexuality and connected with it on a deeper level.
The women that chose not to participate had admitted to never having had masturbated and were also deeply religious. Nothing wrong with being religious if it doesn’t come between you and the overall health and wellbeing of your life and body.
To say the least it was extremely profound and left the women with so much thought. It even opened deeper more vulnerable conversations of partner resentment, fear, infidelity… It was amazing! As women we are programmed to push everything under the rug and not fuss including the relationships we have with other people. Societal propriety is why we aren’t having all the orgasms. I say fuck that and start fucking yourself in the best possible way.
If we do not have personal and safe emotional release, we cannot fully achieve sexual release.
If you’re ready to have ALL the orgasms in 2019 here are my top 10 tips, tricks, and toys to for sure have you cumming so hard that you’ll make it all the way through to the 2020 presidential election….
#1 Go on the path to self-discovery and bring your vagina with you!
- Whatever it is you have been putting off in terms of your mental health, whether it is body image, lack of confidence, or healing past traumas- now is the time to go on the path to healing, if you wait these blockages will keep coming up
#2 Spend more time Alone masturbating!
- If we can’t fully connect with our genetalia we won’t know what it wants or how to communicate with it properly. This is why so many women have superficial clitoral orgasms, because they aren’t exploring the inner freaky sex goddess they are. What if you love double penetration? Or bondage? Or are a different number on the Kinsey scale than you previously thought?
- If you say you don’t have time it’s because you’re not making time for yourself, this could also be added stress and resentment adding to the decrease of your libido.
- So when you do find time to be alone- clear your head, set the mood, and play!!
# 3 Explore! Explore! Explore!
- You don’t just eat one flavor of ice cream your whole life so why do you approach your sexuality like all you eat is vanilla?
- What happened to all the other amazing flavors?
- So why are you not trying different toys or outfits, or role playing?
#4 Be Honest with yourself!
- If this is still so uncomfortable and you’re totally in shock, awe, or generally embarrassed by any of this, its not my fault and you need to go back to #1
#5 Time to play with your toys!
- Not all toys are created equal and not every Body is the same! So not every toy is going to be perfect for you. Some women like butt plugs while masturbating but that doesn’t mean they like anal intercourse. You see our bodies are all so different so here is a link to my favorite toyshop:
#6 What are you eating?
- I am an anti-dieter, but I am also a nutritionist and a realist. If we have imbalanced hormones and have a nutrient poor lifestyle it will be very difficult for the body to biologically perform.
- Do you eat healthy fats and proteins, or do you prioritize sugar and nutrient poor processed carbohydrates?
- Do you skip meals increasing cortisol and estrogen, or do you take time to breathe, relax, and eat your meals?
# 7 Consent, Consent, Consent!
- Start having more honest conversations with others while setting firm boundaries. I wasted so much time on bad sex with lack luster partners because I was so concerned with pleasing them and not myself. Not a good combo.
- Boundaries are super healthy and beneficial for every party involved and help you to stand in your power as a confident individual.
#8 Stimulate and tone!
- No one vulva or sexual experience is the same, some of you may be recovering from giving birth and need time to heal and tone your Kegels.
- Some of you are over-toned or deal with endometriosis, PCOS, or spinal nerve pain. This is where we consult an inter-vaginal pelvic floor physical therapist: https://pelvicguru.com/2013/08/05/10-common-misconceptions-about-pelvic-physical-therapy/
#9 Get sexual with life!
- We waste so much time on stress, stress, stress
- We don’t make life sexual
- For me everywhere is a place to masturbate or have sex. I’ve masturbated on a plane, at work, while driving. I’ve had sex in the back of a moving taxi, on a balcony, under a full moon, in many parked cars.
- I love being naked and I love sex. I am comfortable with my body and sexuality and Life arouses me. It feels good to pleasure myself. This doesn’t mean I don’t have boundaries, I actually have strict boundaries. So, what blocks you from making life flirtatious and sexual?
- Making life sexual is not according to the societal status quo of “sexiness” , I can get turned on just thinking about sex or touching myself. It is different for everyone. Find what makes life sexual for you!
#10 Just do it!
- Don’t get stuck in the details and think there is one right way to do it, find YOUR right way to pleasure yourself, get to know your body, play with yourself, find YOUR true pleasure center, and above all else, be safe out there!!!
I truly hope you enjoyed this!! The books included here are must read’s, in order to understand our bodies we must first educate ourselves! Good luck with your orgasms ladies!!